Snake's Birthday Problems
by JGPliskin
Summary: It's Snake's Birthday, but he has a few Problems to take care of..Please Read and Review. The long overdue Chapter 10 is FINALLY up! Corrected (or at least I think I did) the problems that I was having with the first few chapters.
1. Bills, Cakes, and Missing Friends 3:52 p...

Snake's Birthday Problems  
  
Chapter 1: Bills, Cakes, and Missing Friends  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own MGS, or Solid Snake, or half the other stuff that appears in the damn story.  
  
Snake sat in his living room. It was 3pm and he was bored out of his mind. He sat with an ashtray next to him on the table, which held a smoldering cigarette. It was his birthday, and he was expecting some people to come over and celebrate with him, but that was 3 hours ago.  
  
"Where the hell are they?" he thought to himself.  
  
"Raiden, Otacon, and Campbell love parties.  
  
"What the hell could be taking them?"  
  
To pass the time, he sat down at a desk in his basement to pay his bills. He came across his cable bill, and looked at how many porn shows he bought form Pay-Per-View.  
  
"Those were some fun times." He said with a smirk as he remembered how 'Suzy the naughty cheerleader' striped butt naked on the screen.  
  
He then saw the amount he had to pay.  
  
"97.00 dollars! What the hell?" he yelled angrily.  
  
He then saw how he hadn't paid last month, and now his bill was late, which added 20.00 dollars. But Snake, being the smart son of a bitch he was, called the cable company to try and hose the late charge off.  
  
"Your name is Suzy?" Snake asked incredulously.  
  
"Yes, now what is the problem?"  
  
"Are you the one who got butt naked and screwed a carrot on the PPV show 'Tight Bras and See-Through Thongs?" Snake asked excitedly  
  
"Um, no, that wasn't me. Now what's your problem?" she asked impatiently  
  
"This late charge." He said in an innocent voice  
  
"Um, you'll have to talk to my supervisor. Just a moment, I'll patch you through." She said  
  
Snake stood there for 20 minuets listening to some piece of crap song played on a radio station you don't listen too. He finally was greeted.  
  
"Hello, my name is Dan, supervisor of customer service, how can I help you?" Said a strange sounding man  
  
"Um, I have a late charge on my bill, and I want to know why." Replied Snake, who was really lying.  
  
"What's your name sir?" He asks  
  
"David Pliskin" he replied.  
  
"Ok Mr.Pliskin, you didn't make your payment last month." He said chuckling  
  
"What the hell are you talking about, I made that damn payment." Snake said with rage growing in his voice  
  
"DON'T YOU FUCKING SWEAR AT ME. NOW MAKETHE DAMN PAYMENT, OR I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING CABLE, YOU FUCKING ASS." He said in a voice that sounded anything but pleasant, in fact it sounded like he had a dog biting his balls off, at least I think it did but thank God I don't know what that sounds like!  
  
"NOW LET ME..." (click)  
  
"Hello?" Snake called out.  
  
'That son of a bitch' thought Snake.  
  
He went from paying his bills to making plans to wipe out the Alaskan Cable Company, but quickly scraped the idea when he realized he would not have cable anymore if he did. He then called the bakery to see how his cake was going.  
  
"Hello, I uh, ordered a cake from you over 2 hours ago, and I want to know where it is." Said Snake in a pissed off kind of voice.  
  
"Uh, your Mr.Pliskin correct?" he asked in a extremely annoying voice  
  
"Yes, so?" He questioned  
  
"Well, lets see. Oh, it's not done." He said in a, um, well hard to explainable manner of speaking  
  
"Why not?" Snake said even more pissed then he was before  
  
"Because, were too fucking lazy to bake it, so come bake it your self if you want it so bad." He said in a sorta-Because, were too fucking lazy to bake it, so come bake it your self if you want it so badish Kind of voice. Then the baker then hung up the phone.  
  
"He's so fucking dead. It may be one thing to swear at me, but to refuse to bake my birthday cake, that crosses the line." He thought as he got up, got his SOCOM, loaded it with a fresh clip, got into his car, and began driving to town. 


	2. Ocelot's Challenge 5:00 pm

1 Chapter 2: Ocelot's Challenge  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own MGS, or Solid Snake, or half the other stuff that appears in the damn story.  
  
Snake walked out of his house to his car. He started driving to the baker when he looked into the window of the car in front of him. He saw Jack in the car, with a bunch of other girls?  
  
"Raiden is a PIMP??" screamed Snake at the top of his lungs.  
  
He never seen Raiden with so many girls, because he never thought it was possible. He pulled up next to him, and on closer inspection, He saw it was just Rose. Snake just shook his head and started towards the bakery again. He got out of the car, and brought his gun.  
  
"Better hide this." He said as he stepped out of the car.  
  
He then opened the door of the bakery and went to the counter. Snake stood and watched as the fat slob of a baker sat behind the counter watching some baseball game.  
  
"Hello?" said Snake as he looked at the sorry piece of crap that sat in front of him.  
  
Snake just got to business and pulled out his gun. Having the gun pointed at his head, the baker finally gave a damn and came back to the real world. "Wh..wh..What do you want?" the baker asked with a whimper.  
  
"My birthday cake." Replied Snake with anger in his voice  
  
The baker's eyes lit up. "Your Dave Pliskin?"  
  
"Yeah, that's right. And now, because you won't bake my cake, I'm going to shot you." Said Snake. As you can see he was pretty pissed.  
  
"Hey, it wasn't my choice to not bake the cake. It, was..."  
  
A loud gunshot was heard.  
  
"It was my decision." Said a very familiar voice.  
  
"OCELOT!!!" yelled Snake.  
  
"That's right. I wanted you to suffer and toil under the weight of making your own cake. We're going to play a little game, but if the pressure to bake your own cake becomes to great, just give up and your suffering will end, But if you do, the cake is mine."  
  
"That's just fucking stupid." Said Snake as Ocelot finished telling Snake his "evil" plan.  
  
"NO, IT'S A WORK OF ART!!!" yelled Ocelot. "Ok, lets begin." He said as he tossed Snake a cooking apron.  
  
"You never even told me what to do." Said Snake confused.  
  
"You must figure that out yourself." Said Ocelot, with a hint of evil in his voice.  
  
Snake then went into the back. He stood there for at least 10 minuets wondering what to do.  
  
Ocelot, fed up with him just standing there, angrily told him what to do. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BAKE YOU OWN CAKE!!!!!"  
  
Snake stood there blankly. "I don't know how to cook."  
  
"Then, this should be interesting. HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHA!!!! MWAHAHAHA-cough, cough. Aha." Said Ocelot with the want-a-be evil in his voice.  
  
"You think its funny when someone doesn't pay attention to home economics?" said Snake angrily.  
  
"You took home economics?" asked Ocelot in an almost amused voice.  
  
"Yeah, I had no choice. Big Boss made me take every class to be his 'Good little killing machine.' He even forced me to wear a pink apron and a blue bonnet." Said Snake, now embarrassed realizing he gave too much info away.  
  
"WAH??? HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" said Ocelot, who was now on the ground rolling around in laughter.  
  
"Hey, that's not funny, stop laughing!!!" Yelled Snake angrily  
  
"I'm sorry, but just image it for a second." Replied Ocelot between breaths. Snake stood in a trance for a minuet thinking this over. He too then started laughing.  
  
"OH MY GOD WHAT WAS I THINKING LETTING MY TEACHER PUT ME IN THAT STUFF!!!" said Snake in the middle of his laughing.  
  
"Yeah, that's is pretty funny, NOW BAKE THE DAMN CAKE!!!" yelled Ocelot.  
  
Snake though long and hard how to do it, but all that kept popping up was Meryl.  
  
"Meryl will know, I think." He mumbled to himself. "Hey Shalashaka, can I use the phone?" said Snake.  
  
"Um, what? Oh, go ahead." Replied Ocelot, eating a muffin. 'You dumb ass' replied a voice in his brain.  
  
"Liquid!!" yelled Ocelot.  
  
Snake looked up from the phone and said, "Liquid, where?"  
  
Meryl replied on the other side of the phone "Liquid is dead."  
  
"I wasn't talking to you baby. Anyway, how do you bake a cake?"  
  
******  
  
'Why are you letting him use the phone? Who do you think he's calling? HE COULD BE CHEATING, AND YOUR LETTING HIM USE THE PHONE????' said Revolver Liquid  
  
"Um, yeah" Ocelot replied to, um, err, himself.  
  
'UHU, I'll take it from here." Said the Liquid Ocelot  
  
"My brain!!" yelled Ocelot. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
"Hello brother." Said Ocelot/Liquid.  
  
"LIQUID!!!!!!!" yelled Snake. "You're supposed to be dead!"  
  
"You know I'm still alive you idiot." Replied the, what it is. Use your imagination.  
  
"No one calls me and idiot, especially my own brother!!" yelled Snake. He then pulled out his gun and shot. "Yippy Ki Yay, MuttaFucka" (Quite the rip off isn't it, but again, read the disclaimer)  
  
OceLiquid fell to the floor with a thud. Snake went over the body and examined it, but realized that the bullet hole wasn't a fatal area. "He'll be back. I know it."  
  
Snake then stole a cake from the glass case in the counter, took it home, and began making preparations for the birthday party.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the bakery, Revolver Liquid is planning their(?) evil scheme.  
  
"Liquid" Ocelot said to himself. "I have a great idea. We should hijack a tank and blow up Snake's house." He said with glee.  
  
'Ohh, I'm driving.' Said Liquid.  
  
"No, I'm driving." Said Ocelot.  
  
As he was arguing with himself, an old woman walked by, and noticed this scene. Revolver Liquid noticed the old woman, and began explaining.  
  
"Well you see..." started Revolver Liquid.  
  
During Revolver Liquid's explanation, I, the crappy author/narrator did something from old cartoons. WILL SNAKE HAVE HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY? WILL MERYL BE INVITED TO HIS BIRTHDAY? WILL JACK GET A HAIRCUT TO NOT BE MISTAKEN AS A GIRL? WILL REVOLVER LIQUID'S FENDISH PLOT GET OFF THE GROUND? TOON IN NEXT...ER.... CHAPTER FOR THE CONCLUSION OF THIS...UM...CHAPTER? 


	3. Party Planning 6:35 pm

Chapter 3: Party Planning  
  
Disclaimer: Still don't own MGS, but soon!!! Don't own Mike Tyson either, or walkers, or purses, or old people, or anything like that.  
  
Notes: RL= Revolver Liquid  
  
After returning home with his stolen cake, Snake noticed a van in his drive way.  
  
"What the hell?" said Snake as he pulled up to his house. Snake stepped out of the car, and looked at the registration sticker in the window. He realized at this point of time that...  
  
"I'M AT THE WRONG HOUSE!!!!" screamed Snake. Quickly he ran to his car and began driving again.  
  
He stopped by one of those huge ass Wal-Mart's, and picked up a case of beer, and started home again. On his way, it started to rain.  
  
"It rains in Alaska?" he asked himself. He continued driving to his house. He pulled into the driveway, and got out of the car. He then unlocked the door and walked inside. He sat down and began to watch TV. He flicked to ESPN and started watching Sports Center.  
  
"The Diamondbacks dominated the Astros today 9-1..." said the TV broadcaster. Snake sat and watched mindlessly. He checked to see what was on other channels.  
  
"Those idiots better get here soon, or I'll eat the whole damn cake myself."  
  
Said Snake as he began to scoop the frosting up with his finger and eat it.  
  
*******  
  
"So, anyway, were stuck together. He is the arm and I'm the rest of the body." Revolver Liquid said, as he finished the story. By now, the elderly woman had fallen asleep.  
  
'Hey, Ocelot, lets steal her purse.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Yeah, lets steal her walker too." Ocelot added with an evil smile.  
  
So they stool her stuff and left to find a tank. As he was walking, he found one of those electronics store with the TV in the window. An old guy saw the purse and walker that they were holding and realized that those things belonged to his wife.  
  
"Those belong to my wife you ass!!" yelled the old man as he punched Revolver Liquid in the gut. Ocelot then took on the form of Liquid.  
  
"IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN I'M, I'M..."  
  
"I'm going to eat your children." Said Mike Tyson on the TV.  
  
"WHAT?" said the old guy.  
  
The TV replied "I take Zoloft to stop me from killing y'all!!"  
  
By this time, the old man had crapped his pants and ran away screaming like a girl running from me. (Wait a minuet)  
  
While walking along, Revolver Liquid noticed Raiden and Otacon talking to each other.  
  
"Hey Liquid, should I ask those people where I can find a tank?" Ocelot asked himself.  
  
'You idiot, those are the ones that Snake hangs out with. They're 'good guys'. Don't you think they'd get suspicious?' implied Liquid.  
  
"I'll ask them anyways." Replied Ocelot.  
  
"Hey nerd and he/she. Where can I get a tank?" asked Ocelot  
  
"Oh, they're on discount at Tanks-r-Us. Its right across the street." Replied Otacon.  
  
"Uh, Thanks. (mumble, mumble-idiots-mumble, mumble)" said RL  
  
"Anytime, oh are you guys going to Snakes party?" asked Raiden.  
  
"Uh, um, no..." said RL with a sly look on his face.  
  
"Well in case you change your mind, here is an invitation." Said Raiden as he handed RL an invitation.  
  
RL looked at the invitation. Liquid read the invitation in Ocelot's head.  
  
It read...  
  
'Excelsior Party Hall,  
  
5649 Wilson Street,  
  
Twin Lakes, Alaska.'  
  
"Wasn't it supposed to be at Snake's house?" asked RL, who was very confused.  
  
"Yeah, but we would rather throw him a surprise party." Said Raiden with a smile on his face. "Ok, well, we'll see ya around." Said Otacon.  
  
"Yeah, see ya." Said RL with an annoyed look.  
  
'Well, this changes our whole plan. They just managed to fuck up our plan without actually doing anything.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Don't worry, I know where that place is." Replied Ocelot. "And we have the advantage because they are too stupid to know what's going on."  
  
'Good point, now lets go get that tank.' Replied Liquid.  
  
So RL went and started searching for a tank at Tanks-r-Us.  
  
******  
  
"Should we have told them about the party?" asked Otacon with a very worried look.  
  
"Of course. Why you worried?" asked Raiden.  
  
"Can't you read between the lines, they want a tank, and they thought the party was at Snake's house." Said Otacon, with and even more worried look on his face.  
  
"They wouldn't try it, believe me. Ocelot may be stupid, but he's not that stupid to mess around with Snake on his birthday. So come on, we got to get, um, where is the list?" Replied Raiden. He then started to search his pockets.  
  
"It's right here." Said Otacon, as he handed Raiden the list. Raiden began to skim the list, which was made up of relatively easy to get things.  
  
1.Large Cake-lots of frosting  
  
2.Beer-Has to be Canadian  
  
3.Good food-Pizza and wings  
  
4.TV-for watching hockey games  
  
5.Pool Table  
  
6.Real Bartender-one of those guys who can flip the bottles while poring the drink  
  
7.Peanuts-Not to salty  
  
'Piece of cake' thought Raiden as he walked into the store with Otacon. He  
  
was really looking forward to start looking for stuff for Snake's party.  
  
*******  
  
"Where the hell could they be?" said Campbell. He was waiting at the banquet room that they rented. The room was rather large. A living room, a bedroom... what a minuet! I'm describing a house. Sorry won't happen again.  
  
Anyway, the room has a built in bar, a stereo, and a very large banquet table.  
  
Finally, a CODEC call from Raiden came.  
  
"Hello?" asked Campbell.  
  
"Yeah, what kind of Canadian beer? Molson or Labbat?" asked Raiden.  
  
"Get both." Said Campbell. "And Hurry up, come back, I've got to get Snake in a about an hour."  
  
"We're going as fast as we can." Said Raiden. "Be back soon.  
  
"Alright, but hurry up." Said Campbell. He then turned his CODEC off, then picked up his phone and called the pizza parlor they were getting the food from.  
  
*******  
  
"So, Liquid, what kind of tank do you want?" asked Ocelot. They were looking for the most effective and deadly tank at the lowest price possible.  
  
'Hey, I've got an idea. Why not kill everyone in the store, take all the tanks, and then blow up the place.' Said Liquid.  
  
"That's a good idea, but it's a banquet hall. Should we really kill the innocent?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'Give me a break. You wanted to steal an old woman's walker!!! And you can't kill the innocent. I just don't get you.' said Liquid in disbelief  
  
"Your right. Ok, lets go." Said Ocelot. RL then got in his favorite color tank, even though they were all green, and drove it through the wall.  
  
"HEY, YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THAT!!!! "yelled the owner of the tank store. RL then turned the gun turret around and fired, blowing up the rest of the store. The owner still stood there.  
  
"YOU OWN ME 3 MILLION DOLLARES!!!! YOU COME BACK HERE YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH, ASS RAPEING PIECE OF SHIT FUCK CUNTER!!!! WHY IF I HAD A ROCKER LAUNCHER, I'D SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR FUCKING ASS AND PULL THE TRIGGER YOU..."  
  
As the owner was complaining, RL ran him over with the tank.  
  
"That shut him up. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" said Ocelot with glee.  
  
'Yes, and now its Snakes turn!' replied Liquid with even more glee.  
  
For the second chapter in a row...  
  
WILL SNAKE FIND OUT OF REVOLVER LIQUID'S EVIL PLAN???? WILL RAIDEN AND OTACON GET LIGHT OR NORMAL BEER???? WILL SNAKE EVER KNOW ABOUT THE PARTY???? WILL MIKE TYSON REALLY EAT THE OLD MANS CHILDREN???? WILL ROCKEY SAVE.......  
  
Revolver Liquid comes and punches me in the face.  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!" RL shouts in my face before walking away.  
  
I think I'll take his advice. This is a good place to cut off, I guess.  
  
TUNE IN NEXT CHAPTER TO SEE MORE FREAKY ASS STUFF!!!!! 


	4. The Plot Thickens 8:00 pm

Chapter 4: The Plot Thickens  
  
Disclaimer: Still don't own really anything in the story, but my day will come!!!!  
  
Notes: RL= Revolver Liquid  
  
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER MAY NOT BE AS FUNNY AS THE PAST CHAPTERS, BUT I GUESS HUMOR IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER, SO ITS UP TO YOU, BUT DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED!!!  
  
Snake sat in his room. He was now asleep in the chair, with the TV still blaring in front of him. The cake, which was half eaten, was sitting on his lap, and his beer was spilled on the floor next to the recliner. He then woke up.  
  
"Huh, what??" he said as he jolted up from his nice nap. He noticed on the TV an infomercial.  
  
"Guaranteed to increase your breast size two cups in 3 months." Said the woman on the TV. Snake's attention was now soul focused on the TV.  
  
"We are now going to show you pictures of the woman before and after the procedure." Said the TV.  
  
Snake's eye's lit up.  
  
"I never thought they could get that big!" said Snake. He was obviously having fun with this.  
  
He continued watching till the infomercial turned from that to some golf club thing.  
  
"What time is it?" he asked himself as he looked at his watch. It was 8:30 pm. He was about to walk out the door when Campbell knocked on the door.  
  
"Are you home Snake?" yelled out Campbell. From across the street, the old dude who punched Liquid in the gut yelled from his bedroom.  
  
"SHUT UP! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!!!!" yelled the old man.  
  
Snake opened the door and shot the old man with his M9. He then turned to Campbell.  
  
"Where the hell have you been?" asked Snake, who was pretty annoyed.  
  
"Just come with me Snake." Said Campbell.  
  
"Oh no Roy. Last time I did, I was launched out of a torpedo tube." Said Snake with a nervous expression.  
  
"I promise it won't happen again, just come on." Said Campbell.  
  
"Oh, Fine." Said Snake. They both got into Campbell's car and started driving.  
  
"Oh, here's the only catch. You have to wear this blindfold." Said Roy.  
  
"OH FINE!" yelled Snake. He put the blindfold on and sat back for the ride.  
  
***********  
  
'Ok, I'm stumped, where the hell are we?' asked Liquid, who was now angry. He thought Ocelot knew where the party hall was, but he was just driving in what seamed to be the middle of nowhere. Ocelot finally turned the corner, and was right back at where they started. Ocelot saw the crushed course of the storeowner, and decided to park there.  
  
'Where are you going?' asked Liquid.  
  
"To get a global positioning system. Why?" replied Ocelot.  
  
'Will that really help?' asked Liquid.  
  
"Sure will!" replied Ocelot.  
  
'Excellent!' replied Liquid with glee.  
  
RL then stopped the First person on the street, and asked them a question.  
  
"Do you know where the Excelsior Party Hall is?" asked RL.  
  
"Uh, yeah, I had my bachelor party there, but then my wife left me two weeks after the wedding. She also stole all my money and closes, and had my cat nutered. She even attempted to castrate...."  
  
"Listen, asshole, I didn't ask for you fucking life story. Do you know where it is or not?" interrupted RL, who was quite annoyed by now.  
  
"I just said yes and..UFF..."  
  
RL punched him in the face and dragged him to the tank.  
  
'That's your global positioning unit?' asked Liquid.  
  
"Hey, as long as he gets us there." Said Ocelot.  
  
Sure enough, the retard from the streets got them there.  
  
'Finally.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Ok asshole, you can leave now." Said RL.  
  
"But, I need money, can't you spare even a dollar?"  
  
"Hell no." said RL as he pulled out his revolver and shot the asshole square in the face.  
  
"Now, lets go get Snake." Said Ocelot, but they had to hide behind the tank as they saw a car coming up.  
  
'Who the hell is it?' asked Liquid. RL peaked around the corner of the tank and saw it Bob the Builder. (I'm Sorry, but my little brother and sister have made me watch that all day, and I JUST NEED TO KILL HIM!!!)  
  
"WHAT THE HELL??" said RL. He quickly climbed back into the tank an launched a HEAT 10 shell at the fat little bastard.  
  
"Well Rolly, we got to fix up this...."  
  
KABOOOOOM!!!!!!!  
  
A huge mushroom cloud rose from where the little bastard and his clay truck once stood. Their shadow's imprinted onto the ground.  
  
"STUPID BASTARD, WHAT THE HELL DID THAT LITTLE ASSHOLE WANT!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot.  
  
'Quiet, here comes someone else.' Said Liquid in an impatient voice.  
  
********  
  
Campbell pulled the car into the driveway. He then parked, got out of the car, opened Snake's door and led Snake to the door.  
  
Snake being the stubborn person he was, refused to let Campbell help him.  
  
"I'm alright" said Snake. He began walking, but walked right into a handicap sign.  
  
"Liquid, now's our chance!" whispered Ocelot to himself.  
  
'Not yet, don't kill him yet. Wait till he's inside so we can get him and his pesky friends.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Wow, you have this all thought out already, don't you?" asked Ocelot  
  
'Yep' said Liquid. They then climbed slowly into the tank and loaded a fresh shell into the gun turret.  
  
Snake got up and continued to the banquet hall. When he walked inside, Campbell led him to room #296. Snake was then greeted with a huge birthday surprise...  
  
*********  
  
"SURPRISE!!" yelled everyone, as they jumped out of their hiding spaces. Snake couldn't help but give a smile. He saw the room, and thought it looked great.  
  
"PIZZA, POOL!!!!" he yelled. Hi immediately ran to the pizza and picked up 5 slices, and then to the cooler and grabbed a beer, and finally to the pool table and challenged Raiden.  
  
"Hey Raiden, I'm going to kick your ass at nine ball." Said Snake with a very competitive attitude.  
  
*********  
  
"Should I open fire?" asked Ocelot. He was ready to kick some ass.  
  
'Just wait. Oh baby that cake looks good.' Said Liquid. He was having thoughts of going to hijack the cake then blow up the hall.  
  
"Stay Focused!" yelled Ocelot. "Usually, I'm the one who nods off, what the hell is happening?"  
  
'Hey, it was your body he shot, so as long as he didn't hit the head or arm, I couldn't care less.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Those are the kinds of words that can get you chopped off!!" yelled Ocelot, but a cop car cut him off. The cop got out of the car and walked to the tank. He knocked on the hatch.  
  
"Go away!!!" yelled RL  
  
"Open up, Sheriff Nolan." Said the cop.  
  
"Will you go away if we open up?" asked RL.  
  
"Yes." Said the Sheriff  
  
"Ok" said RL. He reluctantly opened hatch to reveal the Sheriff.  
  
"You up to mischief boy?" asked the cop.  
  
"No Sheriff." Said RL in a very innocent voice.  
  
"Ok, play good boys." Said the Sheriff as he walked away.  
  
'Its so amazing how people are so retarded in this town.' Said Liquid.  
  
"I know what you mean." Said Ocelot.  
  
'Ok, he's gone, you locked on yet?' asked Liquid.  
  
"Yes, Boss" said Ocelot.  
  
'Ready' said Liquid  
  
"Why did I just call you boss?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'Aim!' yelled Liquid  
  
"Who do you think you are bossing me around?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'FIRE!!!!' screamed Liquid  
  
WILL SNAKE AND CO. DIE FROM THE TANK SHELL??? WILL I THINK OF BETTER MATTERIAL FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER???? WILL THE PARTY CONTINUE EVEN IF IT GETS BLOWN TO BITS?? TOON IN NEXT CHAPTER TO SEE!! 


	5. Cleaning Up The Refuse 9:27 pm

Chapter 5: Cleaning Up The Refuse  
  
Disclaimer: Still don't own MGS, or Baskin Robins, or 32 flavors of Ice Cream, but maybe one day...  
  
Notes: Revolver Liquid=RL (If you don't know that by now, you should be beaten multiple times with a wooden baseball bat)  
  
I would also like to point out the fact that I hate Bob the Builder, so I am going to kill him again, but I promise this is the last time  
  
"The shell has been fired." Said Ocelot with a grin. It was only a manner of time. Considering they were many yards away, it would take a while to hit, but not very long.  
  
3  
  
2  
  
1  
  
BBBBBOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!  
  
The shell did more then they could have hoped for. The banquet hall was completely destroyed.  
  
"WE DID IT!!!!" yelled RL in extreme happiness.  
  
'Lets go so what is left, I want to keep my brother's ashes.' Said Liquid in great happiness.  
  
"How will you know the difference between everybody else's ashes from Snakes?" said Ocelot.  
  
'Shut Up!' said Liquid, when he realized what he said was illogical. After thinking about how he had just finally did what he has been trying to do for the past few years (which is kill Snake for you slow bastards out there), he decided to celebrate.  
  
'Hey Ocelot, lets go to Baskin Robins!!' said Liquid.  
  
"Ok." said Ocelot. He than began driving to the nearest Baskin Robins.  
  
'Don't you think we should take a normal car and not the tank?' said Liquid.  
  
"You're right." Said Ocelot. Ocelot drove the tank back to the remains of the tank store and stole a car that was near by. A man ran out and started yelling at them.  
  
"Come back, that's my car. You fuck wads. I ought to call the cops you shit face bastards!! Stop stealing stuff!" Shouted the man.  
  
RL turned around and stated a conversation with the man.  
  
"Stealing stuff is fun!" protested RL. On closer inspection, RL found the man was really...  
  
"Where do I know you from?" asked RL with great suspicion. He has seen this man before.  
  
"You damn fool. You know who I am!!!" said this strange man.  
  
"Solidus?" asked RL dumb struck  
  
"NO, I'M THE OLD MAN WHO IS THE FATHER OF THE CHILDREN MIKE TYSON WANTS TO EAT!!!!"  
  
"What's your name?" asked RL  
  
"My name is...."  
  
He was interrupted by...  
  
(I'm sorry, once is not enough)  
  
BOB THE BUILDER  
  
CAN WE FIX IT?  
  
BOB THE BUILDER  
  
BANG BANG!!!!!!  
  
RL pulls out a M4 carbine rifle and fills the fucking fat ass full of lead.  
  
"No we can't fix it, but I just fixed you!!!" said RL evilly with a wide faced grin.  
  
The old man witnessing these events ran away with a load of crap in his pants, screaming..  
  
"THAT MAN IS CRAZY!!!"  
  
RL just shrugs and gets back into the car.  
  
"Ok, now let's go to Baskin Robins" said Ocelot. They then drove off.  
  
*******  
  
Debris was everywhere as Snake arose from the ground, quite shaken by what had just happened. He looked around the darkened room, which was dimly lightened by a fire. Snake then called out hoping for survivors.  
  
"HELLO!!!???" called out Snake. His friends were buried in the rubble, and he was conserned weather or not they are dead or not.  
  
Again he called out.  
  
"Hello?!?" yelled Snake again.  
  
No answer.  
  
"IF NO ONE IS ALIVE, I'M STEALING YOUR WALLETS!!!" said Snake.  
  
Immediately everyone started to try and get out of the rubble. Snake was very relived when everyone was accounted for.  
  
"Are you guys alright?" he asked, not being able to contain the worry in his voice.  
  
"We're fine" said Otacon, "But there is something we need to tell you, right Raiden?" he said, as he elbowed Raiden in the ribs.  
  
"Uh, err, yeah. Ocelot/Liquid Was looking for a tank after asking where your party was." Said Raiden with fear in his voice.  
  
"Yeah, and dumb ass over here gave him an invitation, practically putting all of us in danger." Said Otacon.  
  
Snake, now tremblelling with anger, tried to hide it.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me??" asked Snake angrily.  
  
"Um, we, uh, thought that, um... Otacon?" said Raiden with fear.  
  
"I, uh, um... IT WAS HIS FAULT!!!" yelled Otacon, as he ran away in fear.  
  
Snake then looked at Raiden with immense anger.  
  
"MY BIRTHDAY PARTY HAS BEEN FUCKED UP BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT OCELIQUID???" yelled Snake. He was about ready to kill Raiden.  
  
"I, uh, thought he wouldn't be stupid enough to attack on your birthday!" said Raiden in his defense.  
  
"HE'S STUPID ENOUGH TO ATTACK ME ON THE CRAPPER, WHY WOULDN'T HE ATTACK ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?" yelled Snake in even more anger.  
  
"He attacked you on the can?" asked Campbell. "When?"  
  
"A long time ago, but never mind." Said Snake.  
  
"So, you going to kill Raiden?" asked Campbell.  
  
"No, not yet. I've got to get even with Ocelot/Liquid first.  
  
*******  
  
"So, what kind of Ice Cream do you want sir?" asked the Ice Cream person from Baskin Robins.  
  
"I would like a Chocolate and Peanut Butter crunch, and a birthday surprise."  
  
Said RL, who felt like really celebrating.  
  
"Ok sir that will be $6.50" said the cheerful cashier.  
  
"How the hell can you be so cheerful when you work in such a dive like this?" said RL, who was trying to break the kid's spirit.  
  
"Just take the ice cream" said the kid.  
  
"Whatever. See ya round, 'cashier boy'" said RL as he walked away.  
  
"Hey sir, you forgot to pay." Said the cashier.  
  
"I know." Said RL as he walked away. He found an empty booth and started to eat his ice cream.  
  
"Why did you want a birthday surprise?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'If it was Snake's birthday, then its mine too stupid' replied Liquid.  
  
"I never thought of that, and who you calling stupid?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'You, you jackass.' Replied Liquid  
  
"Shut up or I'll stab you with a q-tip!!!" yelled Ocelot, who jumped up when he said this. By now, all of the people in Ice Cream place were looking strangely at him. He then slowly sat back down and resumed eating his ice cream.  
  
'Way to make a complete ass of your self!' said Liquid.  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" yelled Ocelot. "Everyone is looking at us." He said to Liquid, as if Liquid didn't know.  
  
'All right, I'll be quiet. But only if you eat the birthday surprise first.' Said Liquid. He was pretty eager to have his ice cream be eaten first.  
  
As Ocelot started eating his ice cream, a band of punks drove by and started firing machine guns. They attacked the Baskin Robins, proclaiming themselves to be 'The Dairy Queens', even though they were all men. They fired until they passed by the store.  
  
"DIE YOU DAIRY QUEEN SONS OF BITCHES!!!!" yelled the cashier as he pulled out a 12-gauge shotgun with buckshot bullets.  
  
RL took control of the moment, picked up his ice cream, and walked out the door, without paying.  
  
"Thank God for those Dairy Queen freaks." said Ocelot.  
  
'Yes, we're flat broke, and that Baskin Robins idiot gave us the ice cream anyway. Like I said before, these people are major retards.' Said Liquid, as RL started the car. He then drove off.  
  
"We stole old women's purses and walkers, ice cream, and killed your Brother. What a night!" said Ocelot.  
  
'Yes, and now we get to go home and devise a plan to take over the world, um, again. And, this time, without Snake in the wa...' Liquid stopped in mid sentence. He didn't believe what he just saw. It was Snake!!  
  
WILL REVOLVER LIQUID TRY TO KILL SNAKE, UM, AGAIN??? WILL SNAKE HAVE A NEW PARTY AT HIS HOUSE??? WILL SNAKE GET REVENGE ON RL??? WILL SNAKE FINISH EATING THE CAKE HE ABANDONED A CHAPTER AGO???  
  
TUNE IN NEXT CHAPTER!!!!! 


	6. New Plans, and Long, Long Chases 10:00 p...

Chapter 6: New Plans, and Long, Long Chases  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own MGS, PERIOD!!!!!  
  
Notes: For you absolute dumb Asses out there, RL means Revolver Liquid. OK? This is the last time I'm reminding you, stupids.  
  
NOT SO LONG AGO IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMEWHERE IN FRONT OF A COVENIENCE STORE IN TWIN LAKES, ALASKA...  
  
"Ok, if you were RL, where would you go at this time of night, and I would never go?" asked Snake to Raiden.  
  
"A gay bar?" replied Raiden.  
  
"Besides there!" yelled Snake, who shuddered at the idea of having a gay brother, even though it was probably true.  
  
"A comic book convention?" asked Otacon  
  
"I DIDN'T ASK YOU DUMB ASS!!!" yelled Snake in anger.  
  
*******  
  
'Ocelot, there is a Comic Book convention in New Jersey in a week.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Yeah, Holden McNeal and Banky Edwards, the authors of 'Bluntman and Chronic' will be there!!!" said Ocelot excitedly.  
  
'Yeah, that's great, but that's not the point. Snake will never look for us there.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Why we running from Snake all of a sudden?" asked Ocelot, who was confused as all hell.  
  
'We're not running, we're leading him into a trap.' Said Liquid.  
  
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD OF ME, YOU'RE MY ARM IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER!!!!" yelled Ocelot, who now scared away children who were playing in the park they were currently in.  
  
'Don't be so damn loud! I know I'm your damn arm. Just listen, I have it all figured out. We go to the comic book convention and set a trap.' Said Liquid.  
  
"I see, but how do we get Snake to go to New Jersey?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'I don't know!' yelled Liquid in annoyance.  
  
"I thought you had it figured out already." Said Ocelot with an amused sort of tone.  
  
'SHUT UP YOU!!!!' said Liquid. Suddenly, Ocelots own arm reached up and smacked him in the face.  
  
"Why did you do that?" asked Ocelot in anger.  
  
'Because you are such an ass!!!' yelled Liquid.  
  
"THAT'S IT, TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!!!!!" yelled Ocelot, who was ready to have his arm replaced.  
  
'Oh no you don't!!!!!' yelled Liquid, who this time punched Ocelot in the face.  
  
The two then spent the next hour fighting with, themselves?  
  
**********  
  
"Do you want paper or plastic?" asked the cashier. Snake was at a local gun store buying more bullets for his M4 rifle.  
  
"Uh, paper." Said Snake in his rough voice.  
  
"Uh, before I give you these, you have to fill out this form, state mandate." Said the cashier.  
  
"Whatever." Said Snake, with the aggravation in his voice showing.  
  
The form was obviously a waste of time to fill out. It just gave a whole bunch of questions that really weren't that important.  
  
Do you plan to kill anyone: Yes  
  
If so, who: My evil brother, Liquid Snake, and his gay lackey, Revolver Ocelot  
  
Have you ever bought any other armaments from this store: Yes  
  
If so, what: .45 caliber bullets  
  
Do you think the people you want to kill deserve killing? Yes  
  
If so, why: Because he is an ass hole.  
  
He then gave the form back to the cashier, who filed it.  
  
"Ok, here are your bullets, and the cost is, $2.99."  
  
Snake paid the bill, and left.  
  
"Ok, now we got to find the bastard." Said Snake, as he got back into the car.  
  
Snake then started to drive around. He drove to the remains of the tank store and found the corpse of the storeowner.  
  
"So, where should we look?" asked Raiden.  
  
"What the hells this 'we' shit?" asked Snake. He than punched Raiden in the face and got back into the car. He then sped off extremely fast.  
  
"Dumb bastard thought I was going to take him with me, he almost got me killed once, why should I give him another opportunity?" he said to himself.  
  
As Snake was driving, he saw RL rolling around on the floor, fighting himself. He pulled over and got out of the car.  
  
**********  
  
'YOU'RE NOT GETTING RID OF ME!!!!!!' yelled Liquid.  
  
"OH YES I AM!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot, who started biting his arm.  
  
'STOP IT!!!!!!!' yelled Liquid.  
  
"OH NO, I'M GETTING AN ELECTORIC ARM, LIKE THAT LUKE SKYWALKER DUDE!!!!!" yelled Ocelot.  
  
'THINK ABOUT IT, IF YOU GET RID OF ME, YOU GET RID OF YOUR INNER GENIOUS, AND YOU WON'T BE CALLED RL ANYMORE, GIVING THE AUTHOR MORE TYPING TO DO!!!!!!' yelled Liquid.  
  
(Leave me out of this....)  
  
Snake stepped out of the car and noticed the sad, sad scene in front of him.  
  
'Should I kill them?' thought Snake.  
  
"Sorry, didn't mean to disrupt this special moment." Said Snake with sarcasm on his voice.  
  
"AHH, ITS SNAKE!!!!!" yelled RL, who now made a mad dash to the tank.  
  
"Oh no you don't!!" yelled Snake, who pulled the trigger.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"What the hell?" asked Snake. He then saw that he didn't load his gun. He ran to his car to get his bullets, but it was too late. RL had already gotten into his tank and began to speed to the highway on-ramp. Snake jumped into is car, turned on the ignition, and started after the tank.  
  
'SHOOT HIM!!!!' yelled Liquid.  
  
"WE DON'T HAVE ANYMORE SHELLS!!!!" yelled Ocelot, who was more worried about out running Snake.  
  
'How bout the mounted machine gun?' asked Liquid.  
  
"I'm not going up there!" yelled Ocelot.  
  
'Why not?' asked Liquid.  
  
"Cause, he'll shoot me, and if I do go up there, who would drive the tank?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'Fine, just keep driving then!!!!' yelled Liquid.  
  
An hour later, the two vehicles passed a sign that said 'Anchorage, Next Exit.' This Chase wasn't going to end without a fight. 


	7. Snake and RL Meet the Backstreet Boys an...

Chapter 7: Snake and RL meet The Backstreet Boys and the Olsen Twins/The Strange return of Raiden  
  
Dedication: To My Friend Katie. Thanks for the idea.  
  
WARNING: IF YOU LIKE THE BACKSTREET BOYS OR THE OLSEN TWINS, TURN BACK NOW!!!! DO NOT GO BASHING ME IF YOU LIKE THEM, CAUSE YOU WERE WARNED!!!!  
  
P.S: DO NOT BASH MY FRIEND EATHER IF YOU LIKE THEM!!!!  
  
'Ocelot, we're running out of gas!' exclaimed Liquid.  
  
"Ok, well, there is no gas station around so, I'll get off the throughway and pull into the place with the giant spot lights." Said Ocelot.  
  
'WAIT!!! SNAKE WILL FOLLOW US IF WE GO THERE!!!!' screamed Liquid.  
  
"He'd follow us even if we didn't go in there dumb ass!!" said Ocelot.  
  
'Good point, but why go there? Shouldn't we got to a gas station?' said Liquid.  
  
"Don't you think that Snake would shoot at us while were putting gas into the thing?" said Ocelot.  
  
'He'd kill us all if he did.' Said Liquid in a matter of fact sort of speaking.  
  
"How?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'If he hit one of the pumps you idiot!!!!' yelled Liquid.  
  
"Oh, ok. Well, I've got a plan." Said Ocelot.  
  
'It better be better than your stupid 'Make Him Bake His Own Cake Plan' that started this whole mess.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Oh, don't worry. Its much better than that." Said Ocelot as he pulled into the arena parking lot.  
  
'Backstreet Boys? I HATE THE BACKSTREET BOYS!!!!!' yelled Liquid. He began to take control of Ocelot's hand.  
  
"What are you doing?!?!" yelled Ocelot.  
  
'Turning this damn tank around.' Said Liquid.  
  
"No, wait. The only reason I pulled into here is because, 1:We can get some kid to pump the gas for us while we hid inside. 2:We will probably scare Snake away when he sees were we're going.  
  
'Good point. Ok, well, lets go then.' Said Snake. ********* Snake followed them into the parking lot, but noticed the sign.  
  
"THE FUCKING BACKSTREET BOYS!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake "Man they know how to fight dirty." Snake then popped in a CD of his favorite band, The Eagles. "Anyways, why the hell would they go here?" said Snake as he pulled into the nearest parking area. He grabbed his keys and got out of the car. He went to the trunk, opened it, and grabbed his SOCOM, M4, and a few extra clips. "Now to find those stupid bastards." Said Snake. He walked into the arena and walked up to the ticket collector. "Hey, have you seen some old guy with long gray hair and a gray beard. Has an over coat. Have you seen anyone like that?" asked Snake  
  
"No sir, anyone who goes bye me has to have a ticket." Said the ticket dude.  
  
"Well, I'm part of the, uh, police, and we have reason to suspect some, uh, illegal activity going on here, like a drug deal or something like that." Said Snake who was confused in what he should say to convince the person.  
  
"Yeah, well, let me see your badge, then I'll let you in." said the ticket guy.  
  
"Um, excuse me." Said Snake, as he was now sprinting for the door. As he got outside, he saw a rope going onto the roof. He decided to investigate, mainly because it wasn't there when he walked into the building. He began to climb when he herd a call from someone below him.  
  
"Wait!!!!" yelled an all to familiar voice. Snake looked down and saw it to be Raiden. He was with his girlfriend, Rose.  
  
"Why the hell are you here?" asked Snake.  
  
"I was taking Rose to the concert, but then I see you and I though to myself, 'THANK GOD I'M SAVED!!!!" said Raiden, totally unaware to the fact that Rose was standing next to him.  
  
"You ignorant jerk!!! I can't believe you'd rather risk your life then spend a night with me!!!" yelled Rose.  
  
"Hey come on!!! I was going to spend a nice night with you, but then you beg for me to go get 'BACK DOOR BOY' tickets!" yelled Raiden in his defense. (I think in this situation, I'll use Raiden's real name, which is Jack)  
  
"You are so unbelievable!!" yelled Rose who had tears in her eyes.  
  
"COME BACK I LOVE YOU!!!!!" yelled Jack, as he chased her to the car.  
  
"WHAT A FUCKING DUMB ASS!!!!" Snake yelled to himself. "I mean, sure, some of the stuff Meryl makes me do is stupid, but I never complain about it with her around!!!!!!" yelled Snake in disbelief. He was upset about this because, for all Snake knew, this could be a trap for him, and he wanted all the help he could get. Snake just shook his head, and continued climbing.  
  
********  
  
RL kicked down the door that led from the roof to the catwalk above the main arena floor. He was looking for anywhere to hide, especially since Snake would be close on there heals. He was worried about only one thing, how to get down stairs into the boiler room. There he would have a place to hide, and a convenient place to ambush Snake.  
  
"Liquid, we got to get downstairs quick." Said Ocelot, who knew that if Snake saw the rope, he'd obviously climb it.  
  
'Ok, but first we need a more powerful weapon than that little revolve of yours.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Ok, but first we have to get down stairs." Said Ocelot  
  
'Fine, have it your way' said Liquid, who then started singing.  
  
'HAVE IT YOUR WAY, YEAH HAVE IT YOUR WAY! HAVE IT.'  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" yelled Ocelot  
  
By the time they were done annoying the crap out of each other, they were on a set of stairs going to ground level.  
  
They walked through a set of doors before coming into a large hallway that looked like it belonged in an office building instead of an entertainment complex. RL soon learned that it was the suite section. RL continued down the hall to a door and opened it. The room on the other side contained the Olsen twins.  
  
"Oh look, there is a man here." Said Mary Kate.  
  
"Yeah, lets kiss him!!!" said Ashley  
  
RL, who looked terrified, took out his revolver and opened fire. The Olsen twins fell to the floor, dead as doornails.  
  
"Little whores, kissing different boys in every damn movie they're in!" yelled RL in a fit of rage. He was lucky that fireworks went off at the time of the gunshots, so no one could tell he shot them. He then ran out of the room and began to search for a new set of stairs to get under the ground surface.  
  
'Now all we have to do is get to the boiler room, but first we have to do something else.' Said Liquid.  
  
"Which is?" asked Ocelot  
  
'We need to get some nachos!' said Liquid, with a hint of glee.  
  
"I want some beer!" yelled Ocelot, but since he was in a very populated hallway, people started giving him strange looks.  
  
'You did it again. I can't believe your that stupid!' yelled Liquid at him.  
  
For a change, Ocelot ignored him and got in line. When RL got to the cashier, the cashier was so damn stupid. Imagine a pimpled, sweaty, smelly teenager with a squeaky voice, then you'll know what kind of cashier I'm talking about.  
  
"How can I help you sir?" asked the teen.  
  
"Give me a large Nacho, lots of jalapenos, and the biggest cup of, um, Molson you can legally give me." Said RL  
  
"Um, ok sir. That comes out to be $20.50." said the teen.  
  
"WHAT? I ONLY ORDERED BEER AND NACHOS, WHAT THE HELL!!!!" yelled RL in disgust.  
  
"Well sir, it's a Backstreet Boys concert, they'll try to find any way to hose you out of money." Said the teen.  
  
So, not to cause a scene, RL paid the bill, took his food and drink, and left to find a seat. He sat down and quickly ate his nachos and drank his beer.  
  
'Ok, now lets go' said Liquid.  
  
*************  
  
Snake slowly eased around the corner. He was suspecting anything to happen. As he turned the corner, he pulled out his gun and began opening fire. Snake was upset, but then joyful when he learned that the person he shot was one of the Backstreet Boys. (Because I have no clue what there names are, I'll give them numbers. But, how many are there? I'll guess somewhere around 5 or 6) Snake started doing a victory dance when he learned he shot BSB #2. "OH YEAH, YOU THE FUCKING BOMB MAN!! GO SNAKE, GO SNAKE!!!" he started singing to himself. He stopped doing this when h learned the other BSB's were watching him.  
  
"How could you kill him?" asked BSB #4  
  
"Yeah, he'th the main thinger!" yelled BSB#1, who started crying like a fucking little girl who just had candy taken from her. (Yum, candy)  
  
"Oh, its very easy. You see, you just pull the trigger and." said Snake, as he shot another one, and then another, and then another, till they were all dead. Snake then continued his cheer, but decided to leave because he heard they're manager coming. He hid in his ever-popular cardboard box.  
  
"Ok girlths, time to, AHHHHH!!!!" yelled the gay manager. He was obviously shocked to see the dead people on the floor. He started crying just as Snake stuck his gun though the eye hole and shot him too. Snake then got out of the cardboard box and ran like hell to the staircase.  
  
***********  
  
The master of ceremonies made his way on stage to face the impatient kids. He walked over to the microphone and spoke to the audience. "Well, are you ready for the Backstreet Boys!!!!!" yelled the master of ceremonies.  
  
The crowd went nuts.  
  
"Well, you can forget about, they're dead." Said the MOC  
  
The crowd fell silent. (Hear a pin dropping)  
  
The master of ceremonies then walked off stage. The crowd had mixed emotions about whether he was joking or telling the truth. But, for some odd reason, the curtains opened and the music started anyways. The lip- syncing cues were perfect, but the band wasn't there. So, to entertain the crowd, they forced some fat janitor guy out there to dance for them. The angered crowd quickly egged him.  
  
**********  
  
Snake couldn't help but laugh to himself when he herd the announcement. He starting walking along when he saw the angry mob filing out of the arena, he quickly ran back into the staircase. After getting into the staircase, he heard a very familiar voice yelling at something from below him.  
  
"It's got to be!!!" yelled Snake. The person obviously heard Snake and began running down the stairs. Snake reloaded his gun and began chasing after that person.  
  
WILL SNAKE CATCH RL? WILL THE ANGRY MOB BUY HOT DOGS ON THE WAY OUT? WILL THE ANGRY MOB TRASH STUFF, OR JUST PRETEND TO TRASH STUFF EVEN THOUGH THEY REALLY WANT TO? WILL JACK MAKE UP (AND POSSIBLY OUT) WITH ROSE? FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!!! 


	8. Something Funny is going on Around Here ...

Chapter 8: Something Funny is going on Around Here(10:45 pm)  
  
Disclaimer: Still don't own it, probably never. God bless the person who thought of MGS2 Substance (cough cough Hideo Kojima cough cough)  
  
Note: This chapter may seem more suspenseful towards the end, well actually, right at the end. If at times you find it not funny, well, I just warned you, ok?  
  
Snake began chasing the person down the staircase following whoever it was very closely. Who ever this was, they didn't want to be caught by Snake. Finally, Snake got a glimpse of the person who was running, and noticed it was.. a woman?  
  
"Who the hell?" asked Snake to himself. (Boy, everybody has an obsession with talking to himself or herself, don't they?) He then continued down to he doors the woman ran through. As he walked thought the set of doors, he heard the woman call out to him.  
  
"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!" yelled the girl. She seemed emotionally upset about something.  
  
"Its alright, I'm not going to hurt you." Said Snake.  
  
"I know Jack sent you Dave!!!" yelled the woman.  
  
Snake thought for a minuet, and yelled back to the woman, "I'm not that he/she's messenger boy!!!"  
  
"HES NOT A HE/SHE, HES MY FIEONCE!!!!!" yelled the woman (who is obviously now Rose)  
  
"Rose?" called out Snake. He was sorta surprised to see Rose here. He thought she'd run away and was at home having make-up sex with Jack.  
  
"Yeah, its me." Replied Rose. She started crying, again.  
  
"I'm going over there to talk to you." Said Snake.  
  
"Ok, come over." Said Rose  
  
Snake walked slowly over to her, but then decided 'Wait, you've got better things to do, like hunt RL, so go find that bastard. She's just in a girl phase, so leave her alone'  
  
Snake then turned and started to run out of the room and back up the stairs to find RL, when Rose called out to Snake.  
  
"TELL JACK I'M GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Rose  
  
Snake stood still, but then just shouted back the only set of words he could think of.  
  
"Johnson Balls!!!!!!!!!!!" (That was going to be the original title for Chapter 8, but I changed it cause it makes no sense)  
  
Rose just stared blankly at Snake. Snake, who just realized what he had said, ran up the stairs to continue his search for RL.  
  
*********  
  
RL walked through the doors of the arena. He was along with the crowd of angry teenage girls who were leaving the arena. Some of them were crying, some were angry, but RL did blend with them at all, for he was not a girl, nor was he angry, nor was he upset. The only look on his face was the look of disgust at the crowd of people around him.  
  
'This is sickening' said Liquid.  
  
"I know, lets get out of here before these girls start doing even weirder shit." Said Ocelot with a concerned look on his face. He walked back to the tank when he remembered their gas problem.  
  
"OH CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot. "What the hell are we going to do?" he asked himself.  
  
'I have an idea. Lets pretend that were starting a charity for the Backstreet Boys and get the teenagers here to pay for the gas.' Said Liquid.  
  
"I like it." Said Ocelot. RL then walked over to the tank, grabbed a piece of cardboard and a Sharpe, and wrote the words "DONATIONS FOR THE FAMILYS OF THE BACKSTRRET BOYS". They then walked back to the front of the arena, and started taking donations.  
  
"DONATIONS FOR THE FAMILYS OF THE BACKSTREET BOYS!!!!!!!" yelled RL. The teenagers didn't care much. RL stood there dumb founded as to why they weren't throwing their money into the bucket on the table that came out of nowhere.  
  
"Hey, little girl, why are you crying?" asked RL  
  
"Cause some old, ugly man killed the Olsen twins. He was tall and had gray hair and a gray beard. He was also where a brown trench coat, just like you." Said the little girl.  
  
RL stood there nervously and began thinking what to do now. "So, you're not upset about the Backstreet Boys?" asked RL  
  
The girl stood there and laughed little. "No, we were all going to egg them."  
  
RL then took down the sign and started walking away. Immediately someone pointed out RL, screaming 'LITTLE GIRL KILLER'. RL then started running as the angered mob started chasing him.  
  
"OH SHIT!!" he yelled as he ran down the street. He ran till he could run no more. The mob finally caught up to him and began kicking him as he was on the ground gasping for air.  
  
"PLEASE STOP!!!!!" yelled RL as he tried to get away from the mob. The mob continued beating the man senseless till they herd the cop's come around. "ALRIGHT, every body go home now before we start taking people away." Said the cop. The people began leaving as the friendly cop picked up Ocelot.  
  
"You alright sir?" asked the concerned cop.  
  
"Yeah, thanks." Said Ocelot as he cough his breath.  
  
"By the way, why were they hitting you?" asked the cop.  
  
"Because they, um.I don't know." Said Ocelot, who was trying to hide the truth from the cop.  
  
The cop looked at him suspiciously, but turned around to make sure the crowd was gone. Ocelot eyed him as he turned around, and noticed the cop's radio. He grabbed it but was surprised when he noticed the radio was a toy.  
  
'What the hell? That's a toy radio.' Said Liquid. As RL turned the toy radio over, he noticed that it said "Little Bits and Pieces Bubble Gum" on the back.  
  
"So, are you sure your ok sir or do I need to." asked the cop, but he was stopped in mid-sentence as he turned to see RL holding him up with his famous revolver.  
  
"Who are you?" asked RL.  
  
"I'm a cop for the Twin Lakes Region of Alaska. Just put the gun down and we can talk about this." Said the cop, who was now begging for his life.  
  
"YOU LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled RL, who shot the 'cop' right in the gut. RL then went up to the man and began inspecting whom it was.  
  
'Well who is he?' demanded Liquid, cause he wasn't sure whether or not he was a cop. Ocelot was shocked at what he had just found out.  
  
"Oh my God!!!!!" yelled Ocelot, as he saw that the person he had just shot was named Uri Narivinkov, a former GRU officer. He was severally angered with himself.  
  
"I severed with him in Afghanistan. He was my best friend!!!!!!!!!!!" said Ocelot who was now in tears. Liquid was sickened.  
  
'YOU SERVED WITH HIM IN AFGHANISTAN AND COULDN'T TELL WHO HE WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! HES ONLY DEAD CAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!' yelled Liquid.  
  
"I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SENCE THE FALL OF THE UNION!!!!!!!!! HE REALLY CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Ocelot. The passers-by stared mindlessly at this balling, screaming man.  
  
'OH THAT REALLY JUSTIFIES KILING YOUR FRIEND NOW DOESN'T IT??????????' yelled Liquid back. 'JUST GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!!!!!! ACCIDENTS HAPPEN!!!!!!!'  
  
"You're right, I'll take my anger out on Snake." Replied Ocelot, who finally after babbling like a baby for 5 or 10 minuets, came under control.  
  
'Oh please, you're the one who insists on running from him stupid' said Liquid. "Shut up, ok? I've got a plan that's gurented to work no matter what. I promise, this will make up for the other plans I've come up with." Said Ocelot, with a lot of glee.  
  
'Well then genius, lets hear it.' Said Liquid. He wanted to plan that would put his brother and all his other friends away for good.  
  
************  
  
"Johnson Balls? Why the hell did I say that?" asked Snake to himself as he began climbing the stairs to return to ground level. When he got to the first floor, he couldn't help but be freaked out when seeing that the whole arena was deserted.  
  
"Ok, this is creepy" he said. Every once and a while he would look over his shoulder to make sure no one was following him. When he finally got to the door, he found it all the more odd to see that no one was there. 'Where the hell did everybody go?' he thought to himself. He then remembered his CODEC, so he went to make a call.  
  
"Hm, who should I call?" he thought to himself. He then began going through the list Of CODEC frequencies. He then came across Domino's Pizza.  
  
'Well, I am hungry' he thought to himself. Just as he was going to press the send button on his CODEC, Otacon decided to call.  
  
"Snake, do you read me?" called out Otacon. Snake just rolled his eye.  
  
"Yeah, this is me, what do you need?" asked Snake.  
  
"I just wanted to tell you that Raiden is looking all over for you, cause he wants to help." Said Otacon.  
  
"Well, then why the hell didn't he call me himself?" asked Snake, who was aggravated beyond belief.  
  
"Well, he was too busy screwing Rose." Said Otacon.  
  
"What do you mean? Rose said she was going home!" said Snake, who was now very confused.  
  
"Well, she came back from the arena, and had a huge talk with Raiden, and then, well, you know." Said Otacon, in a sickened little way.  
  
"Huh, alright, that's great, but I'm still hunting RL, and I really didn't need to know this stuff." said Snake in a frustrated way.  
  
"Well, that's not the main reason I called you, I called you to let you know that something's wrong with the computer." Said Otacon in a worried sounding voice.  
  
"Well, you're a computer genius, can't you fix it?" asked Snake.  
  
"Its not that kind of problem, it's the fact that it seems our files have been deleted from the database by some outside agency." said Otacon.  
  
"Oh, great. Who do you think could have done that?" asked a now somewhat worried Snake.  
  
"I don't know, hackers, the Patriots, maybe even RL himself. Who ever it was is defiantly an expert. He left no traces or clues to who the person was. We have nothing left. All our info about the Metal Gears around the world has been erased, and now I don't know what to do." Said Otacon.  
  
"Well, ok, I'll be going back there tonight. I think it won't be long till whoever did it will reveal himself." Said Snake.  
  
"Ok Snake, I'll talk to you later." Said Otacon, but just before he cut out, Snake herd gunshots and a very familiar voice.  
  
"THAT'S OCELOT!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake. He was fooled by RL cause he believed RL was still in the building. Snake rushed to the car, and began driving to the building that Otacon and all of Snakes 'friends' were at. He rushed through the door and only saw a note on the table.  
  
'If you want to see your friends alive ever again,  
  
come to the destroyed tank store across the street from the Electronics store. NO GUNS Signed,  
  
Revolver Liquid.'  
  
Snake crumpled up the note, and headed out the door to the car. He was really content on finishing off RL this time. 


	9. The Project has No Room for Failures 11:...

Chapter 9: The Project Has No Room For Failures (aka, Chapter 8 sucked) (11:00pm)  
  
Disclaimer: I disown Chapter eight, so anyone who loves pure, unedited crap, claim it while you can!!!!!!! I also don't own MGS, but you knew that already, didn't you??? I also don't own the theme music from the movie, The Natural  
  
Snake pulled up to the tank store. Sure enough, RL was there, getting the shit kicked out of him by Meryl, Campbell, Raiden, and Gray Fox. Snake walked over to the mob, and watched for a minuet before calling for a stop of this madness.  
  
"STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake. Everyone looked up to see Snake. "Why didn't you guys just do that when he captured you guys?" asked Snake.  
  
"Well, he had a rifle with him, which was very intimidating. Then he tried shooting Raiden in the back of the head with it, but found out it was unloaded." Explained Campbell.  
  
"Oh, I see. Well, this is all wrong, we shouldn't b acting like this." Said Snake. Everyone, (including the on looking pedestrians) looked shocked at what Snake said.  
  
"Oh thank you, thank you for your mercy!!!" said a very Relieved RL.  
  
"What mercy?" asked Snake, who gave RL a very weird look.  
  
"You just stopped this brutal beating" said RL. "What, are you losing your memory? You are getting old, brother." Said RL.  
  
"OH THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake. He ran over to RL and began kicking him as hard as he could in his ribs. He then looked up to say to his friends, who were now watching Snake beat RL, "And I stopped you guys from beating him cause, you weren't kicking hard enough." Said Snake. "You got to kick with the toes." Said Snake as he began kicking RL.  
  
"Oh, so that's how it's done." Said Raiden. "I was so used to jumping in the air and kicking the guy in the face. Now I know why I kept missing you." Said Raiden, who was now dumbstruck.  
  
"You know Raiden, I'm glad that the Arsenal AI was acting as me for your mission." Said Campbell  
  
"Why is that?" asked Raiden, who was confused.  
  
"Cause I would have went to Arsenal and beat the shit out of you just for being a dumb ass." Yelled the Colonel. He then lunged at Raiden, knocking him down, and just beating the living shit out of him.  
  
Meryl laughed and just started chanting "GO UNCLE ROY!!!!!!!"  
  
As Snake knocked RL unconsence, and turned to watch the Colonel kick the living hell out of Raiden. He then figured, as much fun as it was to watch, to stop it before he kills him.  
  
"Ok, just stop." Said Snake.  
  
Campbell got off of Raiden, very pleased with what remained of the little girly man. Raiden got up off the ground, and walked to the car, got in the back seat, and sat down. Snake just walked back over to RL, and woke him up.  
  
"Good morning star shine." Said Snake  
  
Otacon herd what Snake said. He then started singing. "The earth says hello, you twinkle above us, and we twinkle below. Good morning star shine, there's love in your skies."  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled everyone at Otacon. A dog then walked by and for no reason what so ever started biting Otacon in the face.  
  
"Now, what do you want from me? Why are you bothering me on my birthday?" yelled Snake, who was obviously demanding answers.  
  
"OH CRAP, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, AND I FORGOT ABOUT MY ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yell RL, who then ran back to the tank, only to find his ice cream melted.  
  
"Oh, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot.  
  
'That's what you get for putting my ice cream on the motor you dip shit.' Yelled Liquid.  
  
Snake and the group watched as the two-in-one person argued with himself, again.  
  
"IT WASN'T MY FALT!!!!!!" yelled Ocelot.  
  
'WELL, I DON'T CONTROL YOUR OTHER HAND' yelled Liquid.  
  
"You piss me off, why I ought to..."  
  
"Ok, Ok, that's enough." Yelled Snake. "Now, I want answers."  
  
"And I want Ice Cream" said RL, who was now acting very childish.  
  
"Your in no position to bargain with me." Said Snake with a smirk as he put the gun right against the side of RL's head.  
  
"OH PLEASE, I'LL DO ANTHING, JUST DON'T KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" pleaded RL.  
  
"Anything?" asked Snake  
  
"Eww, you sick bastard." Said RL  
  
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU SICK FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake as he bashed him over the head with his SOCOM. "I want you to take me to a bar. Since you blew up my party, you're going to take me to the fanciest bar in the whole state of Alaska."  
  
"Which is????" asked Ocelot. "THE FOX HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Snake  
  
"But that place is a dive!!!" yelled RL in protest.  
  
"DO IT!!!!" yelled Snake as he jammed the gun harder into his temple.  
  
"OK, ok, I'll do it." Said RL, reluctantly  
  
"Good, and you got the tab." Said Snake  
  
"WHAT!!!!!" yelled RL in shock.  
  
"For all of us." Finished Snake.  
  
"NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled RL in anger.  
  
"I'm sorry, did I hear you right???" asked Snake as he turned around and pointed the gun right between his eyes.  
  
"Um, I said, Oh Yay!!!" said RL who was now covering his own ass, obviously.  
  
"Good, now get in." said Snake, as he opened the back seat of his car. Finally, Snake was going to have some fun on his birthday.  
  
********  
  
The group pulled into the parking lot for the now redone Foxhole. There was now a guy who parked the car for people who came to the now 'Nightclub'.  
  
"May I park your car sir?" asked the guy to Snake. He backed off when he saw it was Snake. "NOT YOU AGAIN!!!!!" yelled the parking car guy. He then ran away screaming like a little girl.  
  
"Why did he say not you again?" asked Raiden.  
  
"I sort of ran him over when I was done drinking one night. He was going to sue me for damages, but he was in a coma who the ambulance got him." Said Snake.  
  
"Then how did he remember you?" asked Raiden  
  
"Another night I got done here, I sort of duck taped him to my fender and started driving around town at speeds over 105 miles per hour." Said Snake. (For all people outside the US, you do the conversion to metric, cause I'm lazy)  
  
Snake pulled into a parking space right in front of some guy who was going to pull into the parking space. Snake saw the man and saw it was Mike Tyson. He then stuck his head out the window and screamed at Snake.  
  
"You dumb fuck, I'm going eat your children." Yelled Tyson  
  
"I don't have children." Said Snake. Tyson looked at him for a second, and then said what he thought would be intelligent. "OGGGA BOOGA" yelled Tyson as he drove away at an amazingly slow pace.  
  
As the group walked inside of the bar, RL was amazed at how nice the place had become. It used to be a dark, dingy place for closet queens. It now was a nice looking nightclub with pool tables, a large bar(with padded chairs), a stage, and a joke box, which no one uses.  
  
The gang walked to a table and sate down. Raiden noticed someone familiar at the bar.  
  
"I'll be right back" said Raiden as he walked to the bar.  
  
Solidus was talking to some women who looked an awful lot like Olga.  
  
"So, how bout you come back to my house with me, and we can talk and, um, see each other in our underwear. Do you wear a thong?" asked Solidus  
  
"You know it baby. But there's something you need to know." Said the Olga look-alike.  
  
"Don't tell me, you're a man. This shit always happens, those damn queers trying to take my bar back. DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!!!!!" said Solidus, who then wondered what the Patriots have to do with gays.  
  
"No, no, its just, I don't date anyone who is, or has been married. And you also can't have had children." Said the lady.  
  
"Well, I've never had children, and I've never been married." Said Solidus with a sort of lying look in his eye.  
  
"Well, then here is my number, but don't call after 3 am, cause that's when I go to work." Said the lady.  
  
"Ok baby, I'll call you soon, eh?" said Solidus, who thought he was finally going to get some.  
  
"HEY DADDY!!!!!" yelled Raiden. He then walked up to the bar and sat down on the stool. Solidus looked angrily at Raiden as the lady tore up her phone number, and smacked Solidus across the face.  
  
"THAT'S FOR LYING TO ME!!!!" yelled the woman as she walked out.  
  
"WAIT, HE ISN'T MY DAUGHTER, OR SON, OR WHATEVER HE IS. DON'T LEAVE, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!" yelled Solidus  
  
"You've only known me for forty minuets, bye loser." Said the woman.  
  
"UHHHH, YOU STUPID KID!!!!!!" yelled Solidus.  
  
"Uhm, Hi dad?" said Raiden with a whimper.  
  
"Hey, JACK THE RIPPER!!!!" yelled Solidus. Raiden then curled up into a ball on the floor and started whining and crying.  
  
"I HATE MY PAST, I HATE MY PAST!!!!!!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!!" yelled Raiden with tears in his eyes. Snake then walked up to the bar and laughed at Raiden. He then started talking to Solidus.  
  
"How's it going today?" asked Snake.  
  
"Snake, I'm a whole different game from Liquid." Said Solidus. He then realized that Snake was being friendly. "Um, I'm good, what can I get you?"  
  
"Round of beers over at table number seven." Said Snake. He then remembered Raiden and Otacon, and said one more thing.  
  
"Oh yeah, and a few chocolate milks." Said Snake. Otacon over herd what Snake said. "Hey, that's a low blow Snake." Said Otacon.  
  
The whole bar went silent as he said that. He quickly sat back down, and shut up. The Raiden protested that he was old enough to drink.  
  
"Can I see your License then?" asked Solidus.  
  
"Um, I don't have it with me, but I'm over 21." Said Raiden.  
  
"You think I didn't know that? I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to this hot girl over here." Said Solidus.  
  
"Oh, I'm 19." Said the girl.  
  
"I see, but, I won't tell anyone, here, here's a beer on me" said Solidus, as he dumped a beer on himself. "Now, come get it." Said Solidus as he winked at the girl.  
  
"EWW, YOU PERVERT!!!!!" yelled the girl as she stormed out of the bar.  
  
"Huh, usually girls love that." Said Solidus to himself. He then sent a waitress with a server full of beer over to Snakes table. Snake was surprised to see the server was Naomi.  
  
"Naomi?" asked Snake.  
  
"Hi Snake. I finally found out who I am, and I realized I have nothing better to do with my life, so now I work here as a waitress."  
  
"Um, that's great." Said Meryl. "But, is all the tight cloths necessary?"  
  
"Solidus said it makes me look sexy, but I find it hard to move in these." Said Naomi as she pointed to her tight jean cutoffs. "well, I got to get back to work, bye guys. And if you need anything, you know my name, just give me a call." Said Naomi as she wiggled away. (Yes, that's how tight her damn pants are.)  
  
Snake and the group began to drink their beers when RL spoke up.  
  
"You know, this isn't that bad." Said RL with a sort of delight in is voice.  
  
"I knew you'd like it" said Snake. Campbell then shouted and pointed his finger in Raiden's face.  
  
"HAHAHA, I won the pool!!!! YOU OWE ME 90$!!!!!" yelled Campbell with glee, but quickly sat down when he was getting weird looks from his tablemates.  
  
"I'm serious, this has been great so far. He/She was crying, Solidus got shot down twice, and Liquid and me are getting along. What could possible go wrong?" said RL with delight.  
  
He was soon answered as the bar lights dimmed and the stage curtain went up, revealing the Master of Ceremonies from chapter 7.  
  
"ITS 11:30, AND YOU KNOW WHT TIME IT IS!!!!!! ITS MUSIC TIME, WITH OUR GUEST BAND, THE MAX REBO BAND!!!!!!!!" yelled the MOC  
  
The people in the bar looked blankly at the MOC, wondering who the hell the Max Rebo band was.  
  
"You know, that band from Return of the Jedi, in the beginning, at Jabba's palace." said the MOC  
  
The crowd then understood who they were. 'OHHHHHHHHHH' said the crowd. It went quickly from 'ohhh' to 'ehh'.  
  
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said the crowd as the band began their HORRIBLE first number.  
  
"Ma mooey ma ma wamy, hery cooey in hiesi. Ma me na mana po pa ke, hod a pek ta noda pek de a, la man eh de, eeeeee ma konee. Eh man bola, hi, emanbola, na ma, eh ma." And so on and so forth. The song ended, and then began that another fucked up song.  
  
"MA MA EHN A HE WEHO WHA, MAN A NEE CHO, CAMP TONT NE TO CONK TO WHA."  
  
A new thing came along and began singing.  
  
"OH AH BU EH AND A TO TA AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" yelled the stupid freaking gay alien.  
  
As it came up to Snake and started screaming that last, awful note, Snake pulled out his SOCOM and shot a bullet right down his throat.  
  
The other thing then went on singing, not realizing what happened. Snake then shot that dumb piece of shit as well. The crowd roared with delight as Snake put the queer ball band out of its misery. The janitors then came on and cleaned up the mess as the people in the bar went on with their evening activity, you know, getting drunk.  
  
Snake then sat down intriguing conversation that his friends were having.  
  
"And so, in the end, a giant piece of bubble gum stopped me from taking over the world. That was the end of my favorite dream." Said RL. Everyone looked at him oddly, and then carried on with the discussion.  
  
"Hey Snake, what's your favorite dream?" asked Olga, who just appeared out of nowhere.  
  
"Um, well, Its pretty weird." Said Snake, trying to back out.  
  
"No, lets hear it, it can't be worse then RL's dream." Said Campbell, who was given a dirty look from RL.  
  
"Well, I always have this cool dream in where I slam dunk a basketball." Said Snake.  
  
"Oh, cool. I have this one all the time." Said Raiden.  
  
"Yeah, so do I." Said Meryl.  
  
"Me to" said Otacon  
  
"Sure you do Otacon." Said Snake  
  
********  
  
Chapter 9.1: Their dreams in detail (11:45 pm)  
  
They Are In a Giant Arena with a large Basketball court. The Song from the movie "The Natural' is playing  
  
Snake dribbled the basketball down court. He jumped up and slam-dunked the ball into the hoop. The giant stadiums crown went nuts as Snake pulled off a 360 in mid air and slammed the ball into the hoop. He then started yelling while hanging on the hoop. The backboard, which was made of glass, exploded, and glass shattered everywhere. The backboard then magically fixed itself for the next few people. (Remember, this is a dream)  
  
Then Meryl took a ball and began dribbling down court. She jumped in the air, but her jump was way too early and the missed the hoop by a mere 40 feet.  
  
Otacon then took a ball and began dribbling down court. Unlike Meryl, who missed by a "little bit", he got to the hoop, but nailed his head on the backboard, which loosened a bolt.  
  
Raiden then took his basketball and dribbled down court. He jumped into the air and slammed the ball thought the hoop. He then hung onto the rim and screamed. However, the bolt did not magically fix itself, and he came crashing down with the basketball hoop. The backboard then crushed him. It shattered and blood was everywhere. It was quite a mess.  
  
***********  
  
Chapter 9 2/3: Anyway (11:50 pm)  
  
Snake smirked as he finished imaging the dream, but then he realized that all three of the other people imagined it with him, and saw they were frowning. Snake then lightened up the mood.  
  
"Hey, its only a dream." Said Snake. He then call Naomi over to the table.  
  
"Yes Snake?" asked Naomi.  
  
"Vodka on the rocks." Said Snake. Naomi tried to convince Snake from getting the drink.  
  
"Do you know what alcohol in such a high concentration can do to your liver? It can kill you if you have too much, and."  
  
"JUST GET THE MAN HIS DAMN DRINK!!!!" yelled Campbell at Naomi. She then reluctantly went and got Snake his drink.  
  
"Over protective bitch. Its as if she loves me or something" Said Snake with a sigh. He was remembering the time that Naomi was about to tell he something, but just couldn't put his finger on it. So, when Naomi returned with his drink, he asked her.  
  
"Hey Naomi, when the authorities took you away after telling me about FOXDIE, what were you going to tell me?" asked Snake.  
  
"Um, I, uh, nothing." Said Naomi, being very protective.  
  
"Oh, ok. HEY, I just remembered something!!!!" said Snake.  
  
"Yeah, what is it?" asked Naomi, who looked like she'd rather be somewhere else at that time.  
  
"You said that if I got back from Shadow Moses alive, I could do a strip search on you!!!!!" said Snake excitedly.  
  
"Um, I don't remember that." said Naomi with a worried grin on her face.  
  
"Um, actually, you did. I have to tapes at my house." Said Campbell.  
  
Mei Ling then came up out of no where and said to the group "I HAVE TAPE RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!"  
  
She then pressed play, with surely enough, played Naomi's voice saying those things  
  
"Well, if you come back, I'll let you do a strip search on me." "I ought to hold you to that doctor."  
  
She then rewind it and kept playing it over and over again till the tape machine sponteously combusted.  
  
Naomi, now blushing very red, reluctantly agreed to go into the bathroom with Snake.  
  
"Hey, Otacon, while I'm in here, make sure RL doesn't escape." Said Snake.  
  
"Yeah, sure thing. But, I don't have a gun." Said Otacon.  
  
"Yeah, well, improvise." Said Snake as he went through the door.  
  
RL sat in the corner, drinking his two cups of booze. One vodka, to satisfy Ocelot, and one whiskey, to satisfy Liquid.  
  
'You know what, we should go get our tank back and blow up the bar.' Said Liquid.  
  
"But, how will we get out of here?" asked Ocelot. "That nerd is watching us."  
  
'He'll be easy, just follow my lead.' Said Liquid.  
  
"How am I supposed to follow you? You're only my hand!!!!" said Ocelot.  
  
'JUST GO!!' said Liquid, who was now very aggravated.  
  
So, RL got up and walked out to the door, when Otacon noticed him and stopped him.  
  
"Hey, where are you going?" said Otacon.  
  
"We're going to get our tank, so we can get some highly explosive material out of it." Said RL.  
  
"But, Snake told me not to let you guys go. I'll get in trouble." Said Otacon.  
  
"We'll kill you if you tell Snake, it's that simple. But your going to die anyways, so tough shit!!!!" said Ocelot as he walked out the door. Otacon began panicking, but then just went to the bar and figured he could drink the problem away.  
  
"Bartender, get me a.um. Shirley Temple." Said Otacon. "Um, sure." Said Solidus. 'What a fruit-basket.' Though Solidus to himself.  
  
"Here you go." Said Solidus as he handed the drink to Otacon. After taking one and a half sips, he passed out. Solidus just looked at him, turned, sighed, but then was happy to see another group of women had walked through the door.  
  
"Well, hey there sweet-hearts. How can I be of service to you? Can I pleasure you in any way?" said Solidus in a very interesting look. The girls were very turned on by the 50 year old man.  
  
"Well, me and my girls want some Margaritas, with some lime and salt." Said the group's leader.  
  
"Just a second hottie." Said Solidus as he went to get the drinks.  
  
"You're not too bad yourself." Said the woman.  
  
After Solidus returned with the drinks, he started a conversation with the lead girl.  
  
"Hey, you into love at first sight?" asked Solidus, trying to hit on her.  
  
"Only if the man is not married, and has no children. He also needs to be honest." Said the girl.  
  
"Well, that fits me perfectly well." Said Solidus with a smile, hoping that Jack wouldn't show up at the time.  
  
"Well, then I think I'm in love." Said the girl.  
  
"Well, let me show this to you then." Said Solidus with a smile.  
  
As he was about to whip it out, his son appeared right between his legs.  
  
"HI DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Jack.  
  
"OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Solidus. The woman obviously was not buying it.  
  
"You lying bastard, I can't believe I said I loved you. Come on girls, lets get out of here!!" said the woman as she slapped Solidus across the face.  
  
Solidus watched as the woman left the bar. He then turned to Raiden and punched him multiple times in the face.  
  
"WHY ARE YOU HERE????" Yelled Solidus.  
  
Raiden, in between punches made out these words. "The" "Pat" "Rio" "Ts"  
  
"The Patriots?" asked Solidus, only getting a nodding up and down out of Raiden's head.  
  
"DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!! FIRST THEY TRY TO KILL ME, THEN THEY WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!!! DAMN THEM!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Solidus at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Oh well, I got to take a leak, you're in charge of the bar, for now." Said Solidus.  
  
"Why me?" asked Raiden.  
  
"Just because.you're right. Hey, Campbell, come bartend for me." Said Solidus. So Campbell walked over to the bar and took over his duties, as Solidus went to the bathroom. He walked through the door, seeing Naomi inside the bathroom.  
  
"What the hell?" asked Solidus to himself. "Why are you in here" he then asked.  
  
"Um, no reason." Said Naomi, who was trying to get out of this problem in anyway she could.  
  
"You know, you have beautiful eyes." Said Solidus.  
  
"Thank you." Said Naomi, who was now blushing. Solidus continued with her beautiful smile, and things like that till Naomi couldn't take it anymore. She then jumped into Solidus' arms and just started kissing him. They then locked themselves into a stall, and well, never mind.  
  
********* Snake then walked out of the bathroom with his drink in hand. Otacon, who was now awake again, asked Snake how she was.  
  
"How did she do, eh Snake?" asked Otacon.  
  
"What are you talking about?" asked Snake.  
  
"I thought she let you strip-search her." Said Otacon.  
  
"I did, but half way through it I had to piss, and made her hold my drink. After that, she was out of the mood, so I climbed out the window and had a smoke." Said Snake.  
  
"Oh. I see." Said Otacon.  
  
"Oh, well, you can't always get lucky, if you know what I mean." Said Snake as he sipped his drink.  
  
"No, I don't know what you mean Snake." Said Otacon. Snake then punched him in the face, knocking him out again.  
  
*************** RL hurried back to the bar with the tank and a whole bunch of SEMTEX. He had plans to make sure no one, not even Jeffery the Dog, escaped. (Who's Jeffery the Dog?)  
  
'This will put and end to all our troubles, and we can finally take over the world!!!' said Liquid, with a very happy sounding tone.  
  
"I know, and I finally will get my swimming pool of Jell-O!!" said Ocelot excitedly. Liquid just shuddered at the idea of Ocelot in a pool of Jell-O. As they pulled up to the bar, they walked in on time to see Snake lay out Otacon. Snake then noticed RL with a duffle bag on his shoulder.  
  
"What's in the bag?" asked Snake.  
  
"Um, A gift." Said RL, trying to cover his ass (obviously).  
  
"Well, let me have it." Said Snake.  
  
"Well, it needs assembly." Said RL.  
  
"I don't believe you." Said Snake, who was now reaching for his gun.  
  
"Hey, isn't a baseball game or something like that on right now?" ask RL.  
  
"OH MY GOD, I FOR GOT ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!" yelled Snake, who then ran to the bar, and began flipping through the channels till he reached ESPN.  
  
RL, breathing a sigh of relief, continued to the basement. After getting there, he began wiring the bombs.  
  
"Hey, is it the green wire or the red wire that arms the bomb?" asked Ocelot.  
  
'Um, I think its green, but then again, it could be red. I don't know, just use something.' Said Liquid. So, Ocelot stuck the green wire in, and sure enough, it didn't work. So, he then stuck the red wire in and armed the bomb. He continued doing this till the basement of 'The Fox Hole' looked like some cheesy Batman cartoon, or littered with lots of harmful explosives.  
  
'They won't know what hit them.' Said Liquid with glee.  
  
"Yeah, now lets get the hell out of here." Said Ocelot.  
  
So, RL went upstairs and made his way for the door.  
  
"Hey Snake, I'm going to get some fresh air." Said RL. Just as RL had guessed, Snake just replied with a "Yeah, Whatever" cause of how entranced into the football game he was. When RL was finally outside, he ran to the tank, grabbed the detonator. He then got ready to press the button.  
  
'Three' said Liquid  
  
"Two" said Ocelot  
  
"ONE" said Jeffery the Dog.  
  
They then pressed the button and waited to see the ruins of the once very elegant (I guess) bar.  
  
WILL SNAKE AND CO. SURVIVE THIS CATASTOPHIC DELEMA? WILL NAOMI MARRY SOLIDUS? WILL THE DOMINOES GUY COME ONTIME WITH MY PIZZA CAUSE OF HOW HUNGRY I AM? DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS SHIRT? TOON IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!!!!!!!!! 


	10. Fixing the Problem 11:30 pm

Aah, my fans (who are still around), It's been a long time. 1 year and 5 months actually. Well, I'm back from the grave to put my next installment into Snake's Birthday Problems. Also the usual disclaimer. I don't own anything in this fic except the story and the name. Everything else, belongs to some one else... Also note, this is a connecting chapter, so the humor may end up pretty dry. I'm the next few chapters (which are the last few) should be better and longer.  
  
Chapter 10: Fixing the Problem (11:30 pm) AKA The author of this story is back...  
  
As RL pressed the button, they (?) plugged their ears and prepared for an explosion, however, nothing happened. They pressed it again. And still, Nothing happened.  
  
"What the Hell?" asked Liquid "Did you not wire it correctly you Idiot?"  
  
"Well, I will assume that I did, but the fact that I used dental floss to wire it had something to do with it..." said Ocelot  
  
"Nah, it probably doesn't have to do with the fact that you used NON- CONDUCTING MINT COATED STRING to WIRE BOMBS TOGETHER!!!" Exclaimed Liquid.  
  
"Sorry" said Ocelot sarcastically. "But we're flat broke and all I could afford was dental floss since it was 2 for a $1.00 at Walgreens so I just bought 10 of them and used that to wire it..."  
  
"Are you completely stupid?" asked Liquid as he began to walk into the building again hoping to just find some wires lying around in the basement.  
  
On the way in there they noticed that coincidentally, there was a spool of wire sitting right outside the building.  
  
"It must be our lucky day" said Liquid.  
  
So he walked back into the building. He saw Raiden hanging over Solidus' shoulder, Snake with his eyes glued to the TV, Otacon lying knocked out on the floor, the dead Sy Snoodles thing lying on the floor, Naomi serving some people who shouldn't be there, and the fact that they were being followed by Jeffery The Dog...  
  
"Who the Hell are you and Why are you following us?" Asked RL  
  
"I don't like you" said Jeffery the Dog  
  
So, they kept walking with the dog following them. They pondered the fact that the dog didn't like him and yet he kept following him. They only thought about it for a short time before they just began to ignore him...  
  
They proceeded to the basement. There they spent 15 minutes rewiring the whole thing then went back outside and tried it again...  
  
"Okay, Let's try this again" Said Ocelot  
  
When RL went outside again, he ran to the tank again, grabbed the detonator again. He then got ready to press the button again.  
  
'Three' said Liquid, again  
  
"Two" said Ocelot, again  
  
"ONE" said Jeffery the Dog, again  
  
They then pressed the button again and waited to see the ruins of the once very elegant (I guess) bar, again.  
  
OK, WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN NOW? DID RL REWIRE THE BOMB RIGHT? WILL MY DOG EVER LISTEN TO ME? WILL ANYONE REALIZE WHAT'S GOING ON? WHERE IS THAT PIZZA THAT I ORDERED A YEAR AGO? WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO WRITE SUCH A SHORT CHAPTER? WILL ANY OF THE PEOPLE INSIDE SURVIVE? WHO WERE THOSE PEOPLE WHO "SHOULDNT'VE BEEN THERE? WHY AM I TYPING IN ALL CAPS?  
  
FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF "SNAKE'S BIRTHDAY PROBLEMS" WHICH WILL BE RELEASED IN 1 YEAR AND 5 MONTHS FROM NOW...  
  
And Strangely enough, this is my shortest chapter yet... 


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